Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The balancing act

     I am sorry to tell people this way, but it is the easiest way for me. I have not posted for a very long time. It seemed that the battle had become stagnant. Many more rounds of chemo and very little change in condition. It finally reached a stage where I could not do another round. I struggled with the decision to stop chemo and take a break with the hopes of gaining my strength back in readiness to continue the battle. As it turned out I don't feel all that much better. I have been suffering with a lot of nerve pain, some of it ,crippling. Lateral damage from chemo. The fatigue is ever present and I have become very weak although not frail.. Some times I do not have the physical strength to turn over in bed or it hurts too much. General day to day living is hard. Little things that most people take for granted can be a struggle for me, ie; picking something up off the floor, putting on socks, buttoning a shirt, getting in and out of a car is a major task. You all get the point. A lot of people only see the " up" me. I tell you all of this because Goliath has taken the opportunity  to invade again and take up new positions. He has again taken position in my mediastinal lymph nodes but has strengthened his position by spreading into my lungs again. Three nodules this time and they are very small, but still!
   This is where the balancing act begins. Quality vs quantity? And what is that now? More biopsies to see if I qualify for new biotherapys. There are still so many questions. How much more can I do and still cope with let alone function. It is not a question of desire or will. It is a question of how much can my body take? At what point is the treatment more damaging than the desiese? The emotional quality of life is spectacular. Life with Denise and Michelle is great. They are my tower of strength. The physical side is becoming a battle.I,in my spirit is not ready to give up but my body is telling me different.

2 comments:

  1. I love you, my Cousin. All of us have so much Love to share with you.
    wayne

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  2. My love and compassion for you is never-ending. What a heavy decision you have to make and I'm behind you all the way.
    Love, Sis

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