Round 25 or round 1b

I am not sure what number to assign to my chemo rounds. It is a new venue so 1b fits but the same opponent so 25 fits. Whatever it is I had it today. I have never felt so tense and apprehensive about having to do anything in my life including chemo the first time as facing and doing chemo again!! I did not know how I would feel the first time and it grew harder each round because I felt so much worse each round but the decline in Goliath each time we checked gave me the fortitude to push on another round. This time the fact that he is back and has overcome the very best we could throw at him. The fact that we are not physically able to do the big power house drug Oxaliplatin due to the nuropathy and nerve damage it caused last time and knowing how it feels being on chemo has left me feeling awful. I am now doing second line chemo. It is second line because it is not as effective as the first line. Goliath is stronger now although not as large and the chemical dispersants left in the arsenal are not as potent. I will get an infusion every day this week. They will be a push/injection of 5-fu and Lucovorin into my port. The longer the battle goes on the harder it is to muster the strength to 'do it again'

Putting the cart before the horse.

I think we have at one time or another let our emotions and feelings take us down the path of forboding and despair, thinking the worst and not seeing the bright side. That is how I have been feeling lately, letting my feelings run away with the practical me and filling my head and heart with the worst. The report from the radiologist painted a bleak picture. The thoracic surgeon showed me images of the hot areas and made it look like a lot. I came away from that consultation with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know haveing a good outlook and attitude is important to one's well being. I have kept my chin up and have had a positive attitude for most of my battle with Goliath. But some times despair does take hold and I get down. I am glad to say that my visit with Dr. Semien my ongologist has shed new light and I have regained my positive attitude.

She feels that Goliath has set up a very small camp and that there isn't much to worry about, however she wants me to go back on chemo and check on Goliath after five rounds. As it turns out five rounds is five months. A round will consist of Avastin, Flourouricil-F-5u and Loucovorin infused into my port five days in a row once a month and then Avastin every two weeks for one infusion. This is going to tie me to hospital/infusion for eight days a month. The Redwood City facility is very busy,crowded,and disjointed hospital. Compared to Antioch's new facility it is a dump. I know, I know ,you are thinking eight days? Yes eight days, I have to do blood draw two days before every infusion. That will be two days a month for labs and six days a month for infusion.

I have decided to do chemo again partially because Goliath has not spread as bad as I was lead to believe and because there are new drugs available to me if need be that weren't available last time I did chemo. These new drugs are called Biotherapy and not chemotherapy. The drug Avastin is a drug I did before with very good results and was the newest drug two years ago and is a biotherapy drug. Now there are one or two newer ones. These drug are so specific that only people without a certain type of gene mutation are able to benefit from these new biotherapies. I do not have that mutation so I will be able to have these drugs if needed. So there is a new truth!! I will keep on doing what is needed at the time to fight Goliath. It is too early to give in. This battle is turning into a long one and I won,t let Goliath beat me mentally. He will have to beat my physically. He may eventually take my body but he will never get that part of me that makes me me!!

Somewhere between here and there!

I have always been the kind of person that can deal with most anything when I know what it is I am dealing with, even the end of life because that is part of life. I have always believed that what separates us humans from all other life, is that we have emotions and we have the mental power to decide everyday how we choose to act and what attitude to have and how we treat each other. We can choose how we are going to deal with problems. I also believe in the truth, what ever it is and live by it, to make my decisions based on the truth and to not act until I know the truth. , and then above all else do the right thing , even if it is the hard thing. I have not always done things this way and I have reacted and made some very major life changing decisions based on emotions and not the truth and the right thing. Not only I have paid the price in hurt but my loved ones have paid an equal or higher price than I. I have been faced with many very difficult decision in my life and have sought the truth and then decided as to what I thought was right at the time. The right thing very often involves the best for somebody else, not just you. We all know what I am talking about. I have always tried being the best man I could. To me that meant always trying to be the best husband by doing the right thing for my wife and trying to be the best father and doing the right thing by my kids. I have not always been the perfect man and I have fallen short . But every time I have failed I looked forward to a time I could put it right or I learned and did the right thing the next time. I have found that if you seek the truth the right thing becomes obvious, until now!!!

I am faced with the biggest decision of my whole life and so very,very much rest on what I decide and I have no answers. I do not know what is the right thing to do by my wife or my children. Nothing is clear to me. I am stuck somewhere between here and there! There is logic to employ, but this situation is not one of logic. This time the truth doesn't show me the right thing to do. The truth is open ended with no clear indication as what is the right thing and no one can give me the answer.

The dilemma is a quality vs quantity of life issue. Here is the truth. I am now in the advanced stage of cancer and I know that my passing will come relatively soon. I do not know if it is months or years. So what form of me do I give to my wife and child? Do I give them months with me not on chemo and feeling pretty good and active and able to go places up until it hurts too much and then do pain killers, or do I do chemo and feel sick a lot and be tied down to hospital and not be very active but be around a little longer, maybe a few more months! What me do I give them? It was believed Goliath would get me in about 24months. Well that was 12 May 09, 19 months ago. I responded better to chemo than my Dr's. thought so maybe I reset the clock. I am not certain. It was very good and set us on a mountain top but now we are on the way down and reaching the end. One of the hardest things about cancer is the emotional side. It not always the physical. The physical just happens. It is the emotional stress that is the most difficult. Treatment just prolongs the inevitable and treatment is very difficult to do. The emotional stress is felt by all in this family,daily. It is very stressful for Denise, her husband has cancer . There is no security. Michelle a 14 year old , who is at that awkward stage in life, has a father who has cancer. That is not something she should have to deal with!! It is the emotional stress that eats away at a soul not just cancer in physical form.