Somewhere between here and there!

I have always been the kind of person that can deal with most anything when I know what it is I am dealing with, even the end of life because that is part of life. I have always believed that what separates us humans from all other life, is that we have emotions and we have the mental power to decide everyday how we choose to act and what attitude to have and how we treat each other. We can choose how we are going to deal with problems. I also believe in the truth, what ever it is and live by it, to make my decisions based on the truth and to not act until I know the truth. , and then above all else do the right thing , even if it is the hard thing. I have not always done things this way and I have reacted and made some very major life changing decisions based on emotions and not the truth and the right thing. Not only I have paid the price in hurt but my loved ones have paid an equal or higher price than I. I have been faced with many very difficult decision in my life and have sought the truth and then decided as to what I thought was right at the time. The right thing very often involves the best for somebody else, not just you. We all know what I am talking about. I have always tried being the best man I could. To me that meant always trying to be the best husband by doing the right thing for my wife and trying to be the best father and doing the right thing by my kids. I have not always been the perfect man and I have fallen short . But every time I have failed I looked forward to a time I could put it right or I learned and did the right thing the next time. I have found that if you seek the truth the right thing becomes obvious, until now!!!

I am faced with the biggest decision of my whole life and so very,very much rest on what I decide and I have no answers. I do not know what is the right thing to do by my wife or my children. Nothing is clear to me. I am stuck somewhere between here and there! There is logic to employ, but this situation is not one of logic. This time the truth doesn't show me the right thing to do. The truth is open ended with no clear indication as what is the right thing and no one can give me the answer.

The dilemma is a quality vs quantity of life issue. Here is the truth. I am now in the advanced stage of cancer and I know that my passing will come relatively soon. I do not know if it is months or years. So what form of me do I give to my wife and child? Do I give them months with me not on chemo and feeling pretty good and active and able to go places up until it hurts too much and then do pain killers, or do I do chemo and feel sick a lot and be tied down to hospital and not be very active but be around a little longer, maybe a few more months! What me do I give them? It was believed Goliath would get me in about 24months. Well that was 12 May 09, 19 months ago. I responded better to chemo than my Dr's. thought so maybe I reset the clock. I am not certain. It was very good and set us on a mountain top but now we are on the way down and reaching the end. One of the hardest things about cancer is the emotional side. It not always the physical. The physical just happens. It is the emotional stress that is the most difficult. Treatment just prolongs the inevitable and treatment is very difficult to do. The emotional stress is felt by all in this family,daily. It is very stressful for Denise, her husband has cancer . There is no security. Michelle a 14 year old , who is at that awkward stage in life, has a father who has cancer. That is not something she should have to deal with!! It is the emotional stress that eats away at a soul not just cancer in physical form.